Only five full days of school have passed by and I’ve already been hit with the dreaded (inevitable) Senioritis. I would say that I’m surprised—since I have been heavily motivated and hardworking throughout my entire school career—but that would be a hilarious lie.

Junior year was a complete wreck, an onslaught of projects and extra credit assignments that I could not turn down, worksheets by the bundle I had to review for my 5 AP Exams, all while trying to publish my book. I finished that dreadful year with a 4.6 GPA, increasing my overall cumulative average significantly. While I am quite proud of my all A’s in rigorous courses, it left me with little time to go to parties or school events. I had completely drained myself, mentally and physically, of energy because I was trying to be everything at once. I wanted to be smart, athletic, attractive, musically gifted, exceptional.

(I failed miserably on all accounts.)

That’s why I’m not shocked that I no longer have that same drive to push now. I have done all that I can, all that I could, all that I will. I want to do all the things that actually make me happy. High school bores me, college excites me, and real life terrifies me. I am motivated by fear, but nowadays I feel apathetic.

Do I really want to study for my Economics test? Do I really have to read this lame book for school? Do I really want to waste time applying to this college?

I write this not to inspire, but rather to relate. The Class of 2020 is very similar to me: cynical but hopeful, snarky but sensitive, overworked but utterly clueless, judgmental but self-loathing. Our best quality as a generation is our laundry list of accomplishments. The grades, awards, or titles we earned here, within the confines of this establishment, are our livelihood, for they make us important people worthy of human decency.

Unfortunately, we’re all just another few million idiots, some wiser than others, that will soon be tossed out into another reality where everything we did will mean less and less as the years go on. My A’s, my below average athletic career, my hours crying over problems I can’t remember—it all means nothing to me even now as a newly inducted senior.

I feel older. Ready to move on. My self-diagnosed Senioritis has been coupled with multiple existential crises and nihilism. I often feel like I’m swimming in my head, living upon its shores. I know going to college won’t fix that, neither will getting a job or moving to a different country. But I will probably do all those things anyway.

Maybe the earth will melt away before I get the chance.