all for nothing

written 10/16

“I spent so much of my time worrying about things that don’t matter. How many hours did I read about all the different types of flowers, I couldn’t tell you. I thought I had loved them. I truly believed I did. It was nice to study their intricacies and what made them distinct from other life… and I found them beautiful for it. But really, I did it because I found them comforting. It was selfish to try so hard to understand. It was purely selfish because I liked the feeling it brought me. I thought I could make it last longer each time I tried. It was pointless to try… to make them more than what they were. I realize now that what I feel for them they can’t feel in return, and I shouldn’t have been so insistent to contradict their nature. Maybe I don’t love them, or maybe I do. Can I even say it’s love if it’s just me who is able to love? What does it matter either way, and in that case shouldn’t I continue loving them for my sanity? So it wasn’t all some empty vacuum of my unreciprocated emotions? Yes, I do love the flowers and I always will, but I can also see that it was pointless, and I wasted my small supply of time on something that ultimately destroyed me. I robbed myself of it, and I was the one that burned it all away. I really am stupid. You were always right about that and everything else. Holding this rose in my hand… I see that you were so much better than me. You were always right– I gave up the moment I started. I’m entirely without hope because I never had it. ‘I love like I live and die: for nothing.’”


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