I never heard a word back from the employer. I waited six days, until the day he said he would respond, then I waited one more week. The job posting is no longer available online. I will stop waiting now.

I practiced how to solve that problem. I know I did. But my brain turned to marshmallow fluff when I looked at my exam. What was in front of me? Why couldn’t I move? Why couldn’t I think? I wish I could have joined the three women who would (soon after I turned in my 5/6 completed exam) follow the professor to her office and get more time on it. What diagnosis do I need to have to get that? I feel bad for thinking that…

They gave me a few seconds of attention, and I was very eager to reciprocate. I have promptly been ignored again. Another few months perhaps? How like a newspaper-beaten puppy I can be.

But…

But my friend gifted me the cutest strawberry mug. And more things went right than wrong, if I added all the mundane things up. And I just got off the phone with an employer, and I have another interview scheduled for next week with them. And tsukemen is in my future. And I may spend time with a friend soon. Maybe we will go to brunch.

What am I worth? I don’t know. But I believe, or I hope, that this all will be worth something. And maybe I will have some fun in the meantime.

…

It’s been difficult for me to write lately. I have ideas, but many of them make me cringe. Too honest, too earnest, not positive enough. Well, I’m going to write them anyway. Maybe post them too. I like to think of my posts as more heightened versions of reality rather than a permeant, totally accurate reflection of myself. Besides…

Not writing gives me the same feeling in my brain that I have in my bones when I sit for too long.

~Sammicakes