A few years ago I dated a sweet yet quite immature young man. I had asked him to please not engage in recreational drugs that morning as it would make me sad and potentially ruin a particular outing with our friends, one where we would be in public from morning until night and around children. I also knew how this particular activity transformed him into a brick wall and made him completely unresponsive to conversation and general stimuli. Unresponsive to me. 

He did not consider my feelings and proceeded as he wished. He was impacted exactly as I suspected, so I could not speak to him very much that whole day. He was there physically, but his entire essence had vanished. He said he started to do this activity to cope years ago with his teenage depression. So I forgave him, excused it. Yet that was the start of the end of our relationship in my eyes.

But for a few more weeks, I held onto him. He was the first person I had ever gone on dates with, and I wanted to hold onto him close. Then I just couldn’t anymore. When I told him I did not think we should be together, I cried deeply for days after. I had asked myself, “Why did he do all these things that hurt my heart? Why didn’t he change for me? Am I not special enough for him to want to change for me? 

“And if I’m not special enough to change him… Am I even worthy of love at all?”

I was thinking about that situation this week, and I realized how immature my mindset had been about people. I had never dated anyone before him, so the fact that this was my natural urge completely stunned me. Where did this mindset come from?

 I suppose it is romantic in some fantasy way to think about someone modifying or radically shifting their behaviors and even whole identity just to please you, to be the perfect partner molded in your image. But it is not realistic… and it isn’t something most people would really want another person to do for them. 

If someone was unhappy with the person I was, could not accept that I am who I am… if they were begging me to be something different, then they would be a fool. And I would cast them aside due to their obvious dissatisfaction with me. I am no one’s fantasy woman, and the thought of being one exhausts me.

I don’t have to change anyone, and I should never have the mentality that my worthiness for love rests upon my ability to get a person to transform into something more than they are. How resentful they would be of me if they did change, how anxious I would be if they did. “Oh, they changed for me… now I must make it worth their while.” No, I should not go out into this world looking to fix something that is not myself and not within my control.

I don’t know if it is a woman thing to do. Wanting to heal and fix men and boys, to build them up into the fantasy we have of them in our heads. To chase their potential and work hard to get them there. To transform a terrible beast into a loving prince–though the beast is so charming and exciting, isn’t he?– just from the beauty of your soul alone. I’m sure everyone does this, in one way or another. But that is how I think of that dynamic as a more feminine being.

I am not sure I am the kind of woman destined for love. I have a love for solitude, a stubborn disposition, and I do not behold myself to all facets of traditional notions that ask me to lay aside my identity and ego. If I am not destined for love of the romantic variety, it isn’t because I’m not special enough to change someone. It is because I am better off living in that sacred solitude, fulfilled with a love familial and platonic and internal. And if I am destined for love, let me accept all parts of them with no intention to modify what is already before me. To leave their heart open for a gentle softening of who they are… I think is more than I could ever ask of another. 

So do not change all that you are to please another, as I believe no love is worth the sacrifice of the self, and no true love would require such a sacrifice.

~ Sammicakes